Advice From Lemony Snicket

Assumptions are dangerous things to make, and like all dangerous things to make — bombs, for instance, or strawberry shortcake — if you make even the tiniest mistake you can find yourself in terrible trouble. Making assumptions simply means believing things are a certain way with little or no evidence that shows you are correct, and you can see at once how this can lead to terrible trouble. For instance, one morning you might wake up and make the assumption that your bed was in the same place that it always was, even though you would have no real evidence that this was so. But when you got out of your bed, you might discover that it had floated out to sea, and now you would be in terrible trouble all because of the incorrect assumption that you’d made. You can see that it is better not to make too many assumptions, particularly in the morning.

—Lemony Snicket, The Austere Academy

There are times to stay put, and what you want will come to you, and there are times to go out into the world and find such a thing for yourself.

—Lemony Snicket, Horseradish: Bitter Truths You Can’t Avoid

Criminals should be punished, not fed pastries.

—Lemony Snicket, The Blank Book

Morning is an important time of day, because how you spend your morning can often tell you what kind of day you are going to have. For instance, if you wake up to the sound of twittering birds, and find yourself in an enormous canopy bed, with a butler standing next to you holding a breakfast of freshly made muffins and hand-squeezed orange juice on a silver tray, you will know that your day will be a splendid one. If you wake up to the sound of church bells, and find yourself in a fairly big regular bed, with a butler standing next to you holding a breakfast of hot tea and toast on a plate, you will know that your day will be O.K. And if you wake up to the sound of somebody banging two metal pots together, and find yourself in a small bunk bed, with a nasty foreman standing in the doorway holding no breakfast at all, you will know that your day will be horrid.

—Lemony Snicket, Horseradish: Bitter Truths You Can’t Avoid

It is so rare in this world to meet a trustworthy person who truly wants to help you, and finding such a person can make you feel warm and safe, even if you are in the middle of a windy valley high up in the mountains.

—Lemony Snicket, Horseradish: Bitter Truths You Can’t Avoid

All the secrets of the world are contained in books. Read at your own risk.

—Lemony Snicket

Fate is like a strange, unpopular restaurant filled with odd little waiters who bring you things you never asked for and don’t always like.

—Lemony Snicket

For some stories, it’s easy. The moral of ‘The Three Bears,’ for instance, is “Never break into someone else’s house.’ The moral of ‘Snow White’ is ‘Never eat apples.’ The moral of World War I is ‘Never assassinate Archduke Ferdinand.

—Lemony Snicket, The Wide Window

There are few sights sadder than a ruined book.

—Lemony Snicket, The Wide Window

Love can change a person the way a parent can change a baby- awkwardly, and often with a great deal of mess.

—Lemony Snicket, Horseradish: Bitter Truths You Can’t Avoid